Now let me get this straight. A homeowner near the Yacht Club finds used condoms (he called them beautiful, blue, reservoir tipped rubbers) in his yard. He protests the lack of enforcement in the area by inserting (no pun intended) sticks into the used condoms and placing them in front of the Yacht Club welcome sign. He sends an email to Mayor Phony and Councilman Jeffers describing in detail what he did. The City Manager, City Attorney, Police Chief and various other top level City employees get involved and begin sending emails back and forth, with pictures. The Mayor wants the homeowner punished. Criminal prosecution is discussed. Is that about it? Ya know, you just can’t make this stuff up.
The homeowner, one Robert Payne, contends that he asked for assistance in resolving criminal activity in the Yacht Club overflow (no pun intended) parking lot, and was not afforded that assistance. Therefore, he took the law, not to mention his life, into his own hands (perish the thought) and exercised his God given right to protest.
He even described the brand of condoms used in the most recent crime spree, LifeStyle. Either the name was clearly printed in large letters on the condoms, he got very close in order to read the name, or…
Mr. Payne was quoted in The Light Wind as saying: “Instead of going to Amsterdam, come to my Florida room for a live sex show.” Sounds like a plan to me. He could probably make some decent money charging admission. Mr. Payne even suggested changing Cape Coral’s motto from “Just Paradise” to “Just Got Laid”. Actually, I don’t think “Just Paradise” is the motto, but his suggestion certainly has a pleasant (no pun intended), ring to it. He also suggested that the City flag be changed to the shape of a “large, brightly colored, reservoir tipped condom”. Me likey, but I don’t think this is what Bertolini’s Beautification Committee has in mind.
Mr. Payne received some email responses to his missive. One was sent by a captain in the Police Department who ended his response with, “although this has been by e-mail, it has been a pleasure to serve you”. Honest. That’s what he said. Now I’m sure the captain is a fine police officer who is more than willing to assist citizens. However, for what it’s worth, and considering the issue, I would have chosen other words to express my commitment to helping Mr. Payne resolve his concerns.
In light of this crime spree, the Cape Coral Police Department, with full support from the City Attorney’s office, has instituted a dragnet to capture the alleged perp(s) (that’s short for perpetrators for those of you who don’t watch police shows on TV). Of course, if it’s just one perp, he will get his own TV and movie deal after he’s caught, especially if he used the condoms in one night. If you want to talk about hero worship, that perp is your guy.
Anyway, the stakeout will identify any and all males fitting the description of the alleged violator (no pun intended). The description is “one horny dude, with stallion like stamina”. Of course, that describes just about all males under the age of 30, so that should keep the police busy for quite some time.
Since they saved the condoms as evidence, the police should be able to get a match. I’m not talking about fingerprints or DNA here, just size and shape. After all, everyone knows that, like snowflakes, no two winky’s (that’s a scientific term for the male unit) are alike.
The police will set up a sting operation, luring the young studs in with offers of free condoms. The one(s) who choose the LifeStyle brand will be held for further interrogation and examination. Finding hard (no pun intended) evidence will present a major problem for the police department because it will be difficult for the perp(s) to reproduce (no pun intended) the reaction necessary to get a match, especially since they may face jail time in the big (no pun intended) house.
Until the City brings a halt to this massive crime wave, it could help Mr. Payne with the erection (no pun intended) of a privacy fence.
Stay tuned. It can’t get much better than this.
And now, emails from readers.
Dear Paco,
What do you think about Mayor Feichthaler’s most recent ethics violation?
A.K.
Dear A.K.
Surprising, for such an ethical guy.
Dear Paco,
Why do you think the Mayor and some Council members say nasty things about Lyn Rosko?
M.R.
Dear M.R.,
What goes around, comes (no pun intended) around.
Whether you’re coming (no pun intended) or going, you heard it through the Capevine.
The homeowner, one Robert Payne, contends that he asked for assistance in resolving criminal activity in the Yacht Club overflow (no pun intended) parking lot, and was not afforded that assistance. Therefore, he took the law, not to mention his life, into his own hands (perish the thought) and exercised his God given right to protest.
He even described the brand of condoms used in the most recent crime spree, LifeStyle. Either the name was clearly printed in large letters on the condoms, he got very close in order to read the name, or…
Mr. Payne was quoted in The Light Wind as saying: “Instead of going to Amsterdam, come to my Florida room for a live sex show.” Sounds like a plan to me. He could probably make some decent money charging admission. Mr. Payne even suggested changing Cape Coral’s motto from “Just Paradise” to “Just Got Laid”. Actually, I don’t think “Just Paradise” is the motto, but his suggestion certainly has a pleasant (no pun intended), ring to it. He also suggested that the City flag be changed to the shape of a “large, brightly colored, reservoir tipped condom”. Me likey, but I don’t think this is what Bertolini’s Beautification Committee has in mind.
Mr. Payne received some email responses to his missive. One was sent by a captain in the Police Department who ended his response with, “although this has been by e-mail, it has been a pleasure to serve you”. Honest. That’s what he said. Now I’m sure the captain is a fine police officer who is more than willing to assist citizens. However, for what it’s worth, and considering the issue, I would have chosen other words to express my commitment to helping Mr. Payne resolve his concerns.
In light of this crime spree, the Cape Coral Police Department, with full support from the City Attorney’s office, has instituted a dragnet to capture the alleged perp(s) (that’s short for perpetrators for those of you who don’t watch police shows on TV). Of course, if it’s just one perp, he will get his own TV and movie deal after he’s caught, especially if he used the condoms in one night. If you want to talk about hero worship, that perp is your guy.
Anyway, the stakeout will identify any and all males fitting the description of the alleged violator (no pun intended). The description is “one horny dude, with stallion like stamina”. Of course, that describes just about all males under the age of 30, so that should keep the police busy for quite some time.
Since they saved the condoms as evidence, the police should be able to get a match. I’m not talking about fingerprints or DNA here, just size and shape. After all, everyone knows that, like snowflakes, no two winky’s (that’s a scientific term for the male unit) are alike.
The police will set up a sting operation, luring the young studs in with offers of free condoms. The one(s) who choose the LifeStyle brand will be held for further interrogation and examination. Finding hard (no pun intended) evidence will present a major problem for the police department because it will be difficult for the perp(s) to reproduce (no pun intended) the reaction necessary to get a match, especially since they may face jail time in the big (no pun intended) house.
Until the City brings a halt to this massive crime wave, it could help Mr. Payne with the erection (no pun intended) of a privacy fence.
Stay tuned. It can’t get much better than this.
And now, emails from readers.
Dear Paco,
What do you think about Mayor Feichthaler’s most recent ethics violation?
A.K.
Dear A.K.
Surprising, for such an ethical guy.
Dear Paco,
Why do you think the Mayor and some Council members say nasty things about Lyn Rosko?
M.R.
Dear M.R.,
What goes around, comes (no pun intended) around.
Whether you’re coming (no pun intended) or going, you heard it through the Capevine.
