Well, well, well. Last week I read that the City of Cape Coral was still trying to get its fair share of school impact fees to build its charter schools from Jimmy “Brouhaha” Browder and his goon squad. It doesn’t look like they are having much luck. Former Councilman Asfour has now joined the fray with a guest opinion in both The Light Wind and the Snooze Press. What’s he doing anyway, setting himself up for another run at political office? I’ll have my crack staff of investigative reporters look into that. Meanwhile, back to the impact fee fiasco.
After reading the stories and guest opinion, I thought I would call my Uncle Wylie, who lives in Smut Eye, Alabama, and get his opinion on the matter. Smut Eye is slightly northwest of Eufala, one of the bigger cities in the region.
Uncle Wylie is a lawyer, or as he refers to himself, “just a small time country lawyer”. Uncle Wylie is certainly country, and he is a lawyer, but he most certainly is not small time. As a matter of fact, watch your wallet if you ever have to face someone in court who claims to be “just a small time country lawyer”, because it will definitely be lighter when you leave the courtroom.
After earning his MBA from the Wharton School of Business, Uncle Wylie decided to go to law school. Considering the fact that he almost earned a perfect score on the admission test, he could have gone to any law school he wanted. He chose Princeton and was graduated 2nd in his class. He then went to New York and practiced law for 15 years with a Wall Street law firm before deciding to return home to Smut Eye and setting up shop there.
After the usual “how are you’s”, the conversation went like this.
PACO: Uncle Wylie, I would like your opinion on an interesting matter.
WYLIE: Sher thing Bubba. Shoot.
PACO: Cape Coral set up charter schools for Cape Coral students and has been trying to get school impact fees from the local school district to help build the schools. The school board refused, so the City filed a lawsuit. It’s now in mediation and the school board is resisting all efforts to share the fees.
WYLIE: I heard about them charter schools but what in the heck are impact fees?
PACO: Those are fees charged to people who are building new houses.
WYLIE: You mean permit fees?
PACO: No. They are in addition to permit fees.
WYLIE: Sounds jest like another word fer a tax. Why do they call ‘em impact fees?
PACO: Because of the impact new residents have on the area for roads, parks, schools, sewer and water, things like that.
WYLIE: Now, lemme get this straight. You actually charge people for building a new house in yore City to help pay for new roads, parks, schools and such?
PACO: Yes.
WYLIE: Are any of the current residents gonna use those new parks, roads and schools?
PACO: Of course.
WYLIE: Then why don’t they jest pay for them outta property taxes?
PACO: That’s a long story, but it might have something to do with the fact that the people who pay the fees aren’t voters yet, but current residents are. And you know how people react when you try to raise their taxes. So they hit those who have no say.
WYLIE: Are the people who proposed these impact fees still alive?
PACO: Yes. Why do you ask?
WYLIE: Because if any politician up here ever came up with such a hare-brained scheme to bilk people outta their hard earned money jest because they want to build a new house, they wouldn’t last long.
PACO: What do you mean?
WYLIE: Ima thinkin’ they would be asked to go fer a drive in the country and not come back. Jest remember, the Okefenokee Swamp is purty big and it ain’t that far away, if’n you know what I mean.
PACO: Uh…yeah, I think I do. Anyway, do you have any suggestions for advancing our cause to get some of the fees.
WYLIE: Sounds like ya’ll are in a tight spot. But first off, lemme ask you a few questions. Who collects them impact fees?
PACO: The City.
WYLIE: What does the City do with ‘em?
PACO: They pay them to the school board.
WYLIE: Now lemme get this straight. The City, who wants some of these here impact fees, actually gets the money and then gives all of it over to the school board? Is that about it?
PACO: Yes.
WYLIE: I think you people in Florda are sufferin’ from an affliction we in Alabamy call “Brain Fry”.
PACO: What in the world is Brain Fry?
WYLIE: It’s where people stay out in the hot sun too long without wearing hats. Their brains get so hot, they fry and then they cain’t think too clear after that.
PACO: Why do you think we suffer from that?
WYLIE: It’s simple Bubba. If’n you already have the money and then pay all of it over to the school board, ya’ll ain’t thinkin’ too clear. Why not jest keep the money instead of payin’ it over? Up here, possession is 9/10 of the law, ceptin when you have a shotgun in yer hands. Then possession is 10/10 the law. Ya know what I mean?
PACO: Well, it’s not our money. Besides that, the school board would squeal louder than Uncle Buford’s pet pig when you shot it. Then they would take us to court.
WYLIE: Yup. I’m sure they would squeal purty loud. As a matter of fact, I’ll bet they would squeal louder than Mary Sue Hawkins the night I…well, never mind. But getting’ to court is what it’s all about since they won’t negotiate with ya. Ain’t that right?
PACO: Well, I guess so.
WYLIE: Of course it is. Then when ya’ll get to court, you can argue yer case and get yer fair share of them impact fees. Meanwhile, ya’ll got the money in the bank, earning intrest.
PACO: Sounds like a plan to me. I’ll pass it along.
WYLIE: You do that Bubba. Meanwhile, I jest may come down to visit with ya fer awhile. Since Florda folk are dumb enough to pay fees jest fer buildin’ a house, and then pay taxes on the house after it’s built, Ima thinkin’ I could make a lotta money down there. Stupidity pays purty well, ya know.
PACO: Looking forward to your visit Uncle Wylie. Say hello to Aunt Daisy for me.
WYLIE: Will do Bubba. Ya’ll take care now, ya hear?
There you have it folks. My Uncle Wylie’s solution to the school impact fee problem. Cape Coral could just keep the fees it collects until it brings the School Board to the bargaining table or, better yet, to court. Send me some emails and let me know what you think.
PAGE TWO
Speaking of charter schools, I read that the State audit for water and sewer construction has been expanded to include the schools. The expanded scope of the audit was requested by none other than the do nothing State Representative from Cape Coral, Jeff Kottkamp. Now why would he do that without ever talking to the City Council about it? Hmmm. Let me think. Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE!!! HOLD THE PHONE!!! This has Uncivilized Association doo doo all over it.
First of all, it’s the Uncivilized Association that has been harping on the need for a State audit for years, right? And the Uncivilized Association has been opposed to the Charter Schools from the beginning, correct? Do you see where I’m going here? Since Jeff Kottkamp is the Uncivilized Association’s boy, all they had to do was ask him to create more problems for the Charter School System and he replied, “yes massah”.
Furthermore, since Alex “Lippy” LePera is a member of that less than illustrious organization, she must have known what they were up to, or actually helped them plan it. Amazing. While sitting up there on the dais with a fake smile on her face, she is doing everything she can to undermine a program supported by the City Council. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if our former Mayor, Grumplestiltskin, also had a hand in this farce.
But the scummiest of the pond scum has to be Jeff Kottkamp. One would think that he might have gotten some religion after his serious health problems a couple of years ago and stopped pulling the high jinks he is noted for. Then again, you know what they say in the hills. A snake can change its skin, but it’s still the same snake.
And now emails from readers.
Dear Paco,
Why does your cousin Cleetus call you Bubba?
G.H.
Dear G.H.
If I told you, I’m afraid I’d have to kill you.
Dear Paco,
What suggestions would you make to three new School Board members if the voters decided to get rid of the incumbents?
M.M.
Dear M.M.
After reading the stories and guest opinion, I thought I would call my Uncle Wylie, who lives in Smut Eye, Alabama, and get his opinion on the matter. Smut Eye is slightly northwest of Eufala, one of the bigger cities in the region.
Uncle Wylie is a lawyer, or as he refers to himself, “just a small time country lawyer”. Uncle Wylie is certainly country, and he is a lawyer, but he most certainly is not small time. As a matter of fact, watch your wallet if you ever have to face someone in court who claims to be “just a small time country lawyer”, because it will definitely be lighter when you leave the courtroom.
After earning his MBA from the Wharton School of Business, Uncle Wylie decided to go to law school. Considering the fact that he almost earned a perfect score on the admission test, he could have gone to any law school he wanted. He chose Princeton and was graduated 2nd in his class. He then went to New York and practiced law for 15 years with a Wall Street law firm before deciding to return home to Smut Eye and setting up shop there.
After the usual “how are you’s”, the conversation went like this.
PACO: Uncle Wylie, I would like your opinion on an interesting matter.
WYLIE: Sher thing Bubba. Shoot.
PACO: Cape Coral set up charter schools for Cape Coral students and has been trying to get school impact fees from the local school district to help build the schools. The school board refused, so the City filed a lawsuit. It’s now in mediation and the school board is resisting all efforts to share the fees.
WYLIE: I heard about them charter schools but what in the heck are impact fees?
PACO: Those are fees charged to people who are building new houses.
WYLIE: You mean permit fees?
PACO: No. They are in addition to permit fees.
WYLIE: Sounds jest like another word fer a tax. Why do they call ‘em impact fees?
PACO: Because of the impact new residents have on the area for roads, parks, schools, sewer and water, things like that.
WYLIE: Now, lemme get this straight. You actually charge people for building a new house in yore City to help pay for new roads, parks, schools and such?
PACO: Yes.
WYLIE: Are any of the current residents gonna use those new parks, roads and schools?
PACO: Of course.
WYLIE: Then why don’t they jest pay for them outta property taxes?
PACO: That’s a long story, but it might have something to do with the fact that the people who pay the fees aren’t voters yet, but current residents are. And you know how people react when you try to raise their taxes. So they hit those who have no say.
WYLIE: Are the people who proposed these impact fees still alive?
PACO: Yes. Why do you ask?
WYLIE: Because if any politician up here ever came up with such a hare-brained scheme to bilk people outta their hard earned money jest because they want to build a new house, they wouldn’t last long.
PACO: What do you mean?
WYLIE: Ima thinkin’ they would be asked to go fer a drive in the country and not come back. Jest remember, the Okefenokee Swamp is purty big and it ain’t that far away, if’n you know what I mean.
PACO: Uh…yeah, I think I do. Anyway, do you have any suggestions for advancing our cause to get some of the fees.
WYLIE: Sounds like ya’ll are in a tight spot. But first off, lemme ask you a few questions. Who collects them impact fees?
PACO: The City.
WYLIE: What does the City do with ‘em?
PACO: They pay them to the school board.
WYLIE: Now lemme get this straight. The City, who wants some of these here impact fees, actually gets the money and then gives all of it over to the school board? Is that about it?
PACO: Yes.
WYLIE: I think you people in Florda are sufferin’ from an affliction we in Alabamy call “Brain Fry”.
PACO: What in the world is Brain Fry?
WYLIE: It’s where people stay out in the hot sun too long without wearing hats. Their brains get so hot, they fry and then they cain’t think too clear after that.
PACO: Why do you think we suffer from that?
WYLIE: It’s simple Bubba. If’n you already have the money and then pay all of it over to the school board, ya’ll ain’t thinkin’ too clear. Why not jest keep the money instead of payin’ it over? Up here, possession is 9/10 of the law, ceptin when you have a shotgun in yer hands. Then possession is 10/10 the law. Ya know what I mean?
PACO: Well, it’s not our money. Besides that, the school board would squeal louder than Uncle Buford’s pet pig when you shot it. Then they would take us to court.
WYLIE: Yup. I’m sure they would squeal purty loud. As a matter of fact, I’ll bet they would squeal louder than Mary Sue Hawkins the night I…well, never mind. But getting’ to court is what it’s all about since they won’t negotiate with ya. Ain’t that right?
PACO: Well, I guess so.
WYLIE: Of course it is. Then when ya’ll get to court, you can argue yer case and get yer fair share of them impact fees. Meanwhile, ya’ll got the money in the bank, earning intrest.
PACO: Sounds like a plan to me. I’ll pass it along.
WYLIE: You do that Bubba. Meanwhile, I jest may come down to visit with ya fer awhile. Since Florda folk are dumb enough to pay fees jest fer buildin’ a house, and then pay taxes on the house after it’s built, Ima thinkin’ I could make a lotta money down there. Stupidity pays purty well, ya know.
PACO: Looking forward to your visit Uncle Wylie. Say hello to Aunt Daisy for me.
WYLIE: Will do Bubba. Ya’ll take care now, ya hear?
There you have it folks. My Uncle Wylie’s solution to the school impact fee problem. Cape Coral could just keep the fees it collects until it brings the School Board to the bargaining table or, better yet, to court. Send me some emails and let me know what you think.
PAGE TWO
Speaking of charter schools, I read that the State audit for water and sewer construction has been expanded to include the schools. The expanded scope of the audit was requested by none other than the do nothing State Representative from Cape Coral, Jeff Kottkamp. Now why would he do that without ever talking to the City Council about it? Hmmm. Let me think. Wait a minute. WAIT A MINUTE!!! HOLD THE PHONE!!! This has Uncivilized Association doo doo all over it.
First of all, it’s the Uncivilized Association that has been harping on the need for a State audit for years, right? And the Uncivilized Association has been opposed to the Charter Schools from the beginning, correct? Do you see where I’m going here? Since Jeff Kottkamp is the Uncivilized Association’s boy, all they had to do was ask him to create more problems for the Charter School System and he replied, “yes massah”.
Furthermore, since Alex “Lippy” LePera is a member of that less than illustrious organization, she must have known what they were up to, or actually helped them plan it. Amazing. While sitting up there on the dais with a fake smile on her face, she is doing everything she can to undermine a program supported by the City Council. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if our former Mayor, Grumplestiltskin, also had a hand in this farce.
But the scummiest of the pond scum has to be Jeff Kottkamp. One would think that he might have gotten some religion after his serious health problems a couple of years ago and stopped pulling the high jinks he is noted for. Then again, you know what they say in the hills. A snake can change its skin, but it’s still the same snake.
And now emails from readers.
Dear Paco,
Why does your cousin Cleetus call you Bubba?
G.H.
Dear G.H.
If I told you, I’m afraid I’d have to kill you.
Dear Paco,
What suggestions would you make to three new School Board members if the voters decided to get rid of the incumbents?
M.M.
Dear M.M.
Before or after they fired Browder?
Fired up or just fired, you heard it through the Capevine.
