I was watching a television commercial the other day and began to wonder what kind of casting call went out to hire the person for the job. The commercial involved a woman sitting at her desk at work eating a bowl of cereal. The thrust of the commercial was that the cereal was so crunchy that she could not hear anything while eating it. A man appears at her office door and begins to talk, while also making hand gestures. Since the woman can’t hear what he is saying, she misinterprets his gestures to be amorous advances, causing her eyes, crossed though they may be, to light up.
I don’t recall what kind of cereal it was, which goes to show you that those who produce commercials sometimes outsmart themselves. In other words, they produce funny commercials that cause people to focus on the commercial instead of the product.
I know what can be done with makeup these days, and I’m only hoping that this woman had quite a bit of it applied to her face. If not, she has got to be one of the ugliest women I have ever seen. Although I never met the woman from Big Ugly, West Virginia that my Cousin Cleetus dated, I can only imagine that she could not have looked much worse than the woman in the commercial.
Now calm down. It’s not that I don’t like ugly people. After all, ugly people make those of us who are good looking look that much better, and I sincerely appreciate that. But, come on. Can you imagine answering a casting call that seeks someone ugly? How about this?
Wanted: One very ugly cross-eyed woman to eat cereal while making goo-goo eyes at male co-worker. Reasonably attractive women need not apply. Earnest Borgnine look-a-likes given high priority.
Or how about the commercial where three people are dancing while groping various parts of their anatomy. The ad is for a product that stops diarrhea, which is always good TV.
Wanted: Three people for an anti diarrhea commercial. Must be able to dance while groping yourself. Those afraid of looking like idiots need not apply. Your motto must be: “I’ll do anything for a buck”.
And then there are those commercials featuring unattractive, overweight kids? Since the children can’t answer the ads themselves, their parents must do it for them. Why in the world would parents put their children through something that could virtually destroy their already fragile psyches? It wouldn’t be for money, would it?
Wanted: Unattractive, overweight, pimply-faced teenager unafraid of being even more ostracized than you already are.
Can you picture the spiel given to the one selected? “Congratulations kid, you definitely have the look we want for this spot. You’re fat, repulsive and your face has more craters than the moon. In other words, you’re perfect. I’m going to make you a big star kid”. Meanwhile, the parents, who are obviously fat and repulsive themselves, beam with pride. Now, if that’s not child abuse, nothing is.
Don’t forget the reality shows. Although I have never watched it, one that piques my interest is titled: “Beauty and the Geek”.
Wanted: Male geeks willing to make fools of themselves while attempting to woo beautiful young woman with absolutely no chance to win her heart. Must look geekier than Bill Gates. Masochistic tendencies a big plus.
Has anybody figured out where I’m going with this yet? If so, you get a cookie. If not, you must be new to this column.
Imagine, if you will, casting calls for local elected officials.
Wanted: City Council member in Cape Coral, Florida. Obnoxious, overbearing woman with nothing good to say about anybody or anything. Willing to criticize progressive programs at the drop of a hat. Must be willing to put self-interest above that of the citizenry. Preference given to those who can’t think for themselves. Looks unimportant, bad attitude essential. Four-year gig with low pay.
Wanted: Mayor in Cape Coral, Florida. Self-centered, egotistical Dweeb. The dweebier the better.
Wanted: School Board member in Lee County Florida. Low IQ; male or female. Must be willing to take orders from overpaid, egotistical bureaucrat who likes to waste hard earned tax dollars and hide things from the public.
Well, there you have it. Do you know anybody who meets those qualifications? If so, send them our way…if they aren’t here already.
And now, emails from readers.
Dear Paco,
Have you ever read the Civic Chatline?
R.L.
Dear R.L.,
Only when my laxative doesn’t work.
I don’t recall what kind of cereal it was, which goes to show you that those who produce commercials sometimes outsmart themselves. In other words, they produce funny commercials that cause people to focus on the commercial instead of the product.
I know what can be done with makeup these days, and I’m only hoping that this woman had quite a bit of it applied to her face. If not, she has got to be one of the ugliest women I have ever seen. Although I never met the woman from Big Ugly, West Virginia that my Cousin Cleetus dated, I can only imagine that she could not have looked much worse than the woman in the commercial.
Now calm down. It’s not that I don’t like ugly people. After all, ugly people make those of us who are good looking look that much better, and I sincerely appreciate that. But, come on. Can you imagine answering a casting call that seeks someone ugly? How about this?
Wanted: One very ugly cross-eyed woman to eat cereal while making goo-goo eyes at male co-worker. Reasonably attractive women need not apply. Earnest Borgnine look-a-likes given high priority.
Or how about the commercial where three people are dancing while groping various parts of their anatomy. The ad is for a product that stops diarrhea, which is always good TV.
Wanted: Three people for an anti diarrhea commercial. Must be able to dance while groping yourself. Those afraid of looking like idiots need not apply. Your motto must be: “I’ll do anything for a buck”.
And then there are those commercials featuring unattractive, overweight kids? Since the children can’t answer the ads themselves, their parents must do it for them. Why in the world would parents put their children through something that could virtually destroy their already fragile psyches? It wouldn’t be for money, would it?
Wanted: Unattractive, overweight, pimply-faced teenager unafraid of being even more ostracized than you already are.
Can you picture the spiel given to the one selected? “Congratulations kid, you definitely have the look we want for this spot. You’re fat, repulsive and your face has more craters than the moon. In other words, you’re perfect. I’m going to make you a big star kid”. Meanwhile, the parents, who are obviously fat and repulsive themselves, beam with pride. Now, if that’s not child abuse, nothing is.
Don’t forget the reality shows. Although I have never watched it, one that piques my interest is titled: “Beauty and the Geek”.
Wanted: Male geeks willing to make fools of themselves while attempting to woo beautiful young woman with absolutely no chance to win her heart. Must look geekier than Bill Gates. Masochistic tendencies a big plus.
Has anybody figured out where I’m going with this yet? If so, you get a cookie. If not, you must be new to this column.
Imagine, if you will, casting calls for local elected officials.
Wanted: City Council member in Cape Coral, Florida. Obnoxious, overbearing woman with nothing good to say about anybody or anything. Willing to criticize progressive programs at the drop of a hat. Must be willing to put self-interest above that of the citizenry. Preference given to those who can’t think for themselves. Looks unimportant, bad attitude essential. Four-year gig with low pay.
Wanted: Mayor in Cape Coral, Florida. Self-centered, egotistical Dweeb. The dweebier the better.
Wanted: School Board member in Lee County Florida. Low IQ; male or female. Must be willing to take orders from overpaid, egotistical bureaucrat who likes to waste hard earned tax dollars and hide things from the public.
Well, there you have it. Do you know anybody who meets those qualifications? If so, send them our way…if they aren’t here already.
And now, emails from readers.
Dear Paco,
Have you ever read the Civic Chatline?
R.L.
Dear R.L.,
Only when my laxative doesn’t work.
Whether or not your laxative is working, you heard it through the Capevine.
