Phony’s Fantasy - Part One
Well, well, well. The sparks are going to fly at Monday night’s Council meeting over Mayor Phony’s Boondoggle…using public financing to build a spring training facility for the Cleveland Indians. The latest to weigh in on the issue is Councilman Jim “Wheelbilly” Jeffers, who wrote a guest opinion in both The Light Wind and the Snooze Press this weekend. His opinion countered Mayor Phony’s harangue in last week’s editions in both of the aforementioned publications. Tim Day also weighed in with a classic when he said, “Hot dog, peanut and beer vendors are not economic development”.
Wheelbilly’s female dog slap upside the Mayor’s head correctly pointed out that economic development should consider whether the project will meet a current or projected need for the citizens and whether it will contribute to the long-term health of the local economy. According to a State Senate report prepared last year, using public money to support professional sports is a loser, just like His Dishonorableness II. The Senate staff stated: “Unlike most studies commissioned by stadium advocates, the consensus of business and economic researchers clearly and unambiguously indicates that the use of public funds to attract or keep a professional sports franchise has no net positive effect on economic activity or tax revenue”. SLAM AND DUNK!
Let’s face facts. The only reason Phony wants to push this issue is to make himself look good if he ever decides to run for another office. It also lets him live his fantasy of playing professional baseball by enabling him to hang around with the “boys of spring”.
At this point, Phony’s head is growing exponentially. That’s why he needs two parking spaces at City Hall…one for his car and the other for his head. Remember this…the bigger the head, the smaller the brain.
What I’m really looking forward to at the Council meeting is Tim Day’s response to Phony stating that Day didn’t understand the facts when he challenged the plan to bring in the Indians. From what I know about Day, he doesn’t appreciate being called an idiot, especially by someone like Phony. Methinks Day and Jeffers are prepared to “strap ‘em on” against Phony at Monday night’s meeting. WEE DOGGIES!!! Is this going to be fun, or what?
PHONY’S FANTASY-PART DEUX
What’s this? His Phoniness now wants to change the City Charter to eliminate term limits for the Mayor and Council. I guess that’s because he thinks people would actually vote for him over and over again. Reality check! If an election were held today, Phony would be sent packing. As a matter of fact, I truly believe Adrienne Jenkins could beat him. As you may recall, she actually received more votes in last year’s primary than Gloria Tate. What does that tell you?
Anyway, I wanted another person’s opinion on Phony’s latest attempt to pull one over on the citizens, so I called my cousin Cleetus. Cleetus lives in Screamin’ Holler, Tennessee, a small but quaint burg located at the foothills of the Great Smokey Mountains. After I informed Cleetus of what Phony was proposing, the conversation went like this.
CLEETUS: I think your boy is a bubble haid.
PACO: Don’t you mean bobble head?
CLEETUS: Nope. He’s definitely a bubble haid.
PACO: What exactly is a bubble haid?
CLEETUS: A bubble haid is a person whose innards is all conflicted. Instead of passin’ gas the way us normal people do, a bubble haid’s gas is re-directed to his haid, formin’ a bubble. Then, when the bubble gets big enough, it explodes, causing what we call a “cerebral expulsion of various noxious gaseous substances”.
PACO: What in the world is a cerebral expulsion of various noxious gaseous substances?
Well, well, well. The sparks are going to fly at Monday night’s Council meeting over Mayor Phony’s Boondoggle…using public financing to build a spring training facility for the Cleveland Indians. The latest to weigh in on the issue is Councilman Jim “Wheelbilly” Jeffers, who wrote a guest opinion in both The Light Wind and the Snooze Press this weekend. His opinion countered Mayor Phony’s harangue in last week’s editions in both of the aforementioned publications. Tim Day also weighed in with a classic when he said, “Hot dog, peanut and beer vendors are not economic development”.
Wheelbilly’s female dog slap upside the Mayor’s head correctly pointed out that economic development should consider whether the project will meet a current or projected need for the citizens and whether it will contribute to the long-term health of the local economy. According to a State Senate report prepared last year, using public money to support professional sports is a loser, just like His Dishonorableness II. The Senate staff stated: “Unlike most studies commissioned by stadium advocates, the consensus of business and economic researchers clearly and unambiguously indicates that the use of public funds to attract or keep a professional sports franchise has no net positive effect on economic activity or tax revenue”. SLAM AND DUNK!
Let’s face facts. The only reason Phony wants to push this issue is to make himself look good if he ever decides to run for another office. It also lets him live his fantasy of playing professional baseball by enabling him to hang around with the “boys of spring”.
At this point, Phony’s head is growing exponentially. That’s why he needs two parking spaces at City Hall…one for his car and the other for his head. Remember this…the bigger the head, the smaller the brain.
What I’m really looking forward to at the Council meeting is Tim Day’s response to Phony stating that Day didn’t understand the facts when he challenged the plan to bring in the Indians. From what I know about Day, he doesn’t appreciate being called an idiot, especially by someone like Phony. Methinks Day and Jeffers are prepared to “strap ‘em on” against Phony at Monday night’s meeting. WEE DOGGIES!!! Is this going to be fun, or what?
PHONY’S FANTASY-PART DEUX
What’s this? His Phoniness now wants to change the City Charter to eliminate term limits for the Mayor and Council. I guess that’s because he thinks people would actually vote for him over and over again. Reality check! If an election were held today, Phony would be sent packing. As a matter of fact, I truly believe Adrienne Jenkins could beat him. As you may recall, she actually received more votes in last year’s primary than Gloria Tate. What does that tell you?
Anyway, I wanted another person’s opinion on Phony’s latest attempt to pull one over on the citizens, so I called my cousin Cleetus. Cleetus lives in Screamin’ Holler, Tennessee, a small but quaint burg located at the foothills of the Great Smokey Mountains. After I informed Cleetus of what Phony was proposing, the conversation went like this.
CLEETUS: I think your boy is a bubble haid.
PACO: Don’t you mean bobble head?
CLEETUS: Nope. He’s definitely a bubble haid.
PACO: What exactly is a bubble haid?
CLEETUS: A bubble haid is a person whose innards is all conflicted. Instead of passin’ gas the way us normal people do, a bubble haid’s gas is re-directed to his haid, formin’ a bubble. Then, when the bubble gets big enough, it explodes, causing what we call a “cerebral expulsion of various noxious gaseous substances”.
PACO: What in the world is a cerebral expulsion of various noxious gaseous substances?
CLEETUS: A “brain fart”. All people who say stupid things or make stupid decisions suffer from that thar affliction. They cain’t hep it. Just take a look at G.W. Bush. He’s one of the biggest bubble haids they is.
PACO: How do you know he’s a bubble head?
CLEETUS: He picked that Cheney fella to be his V.P., didn’t he? I’ll bet you anythin’ that the brain fart that caused Bush to make that dumb decision registered above a ten on that thar scale that measures earthquakes. Yessirree, that had to be a big un.
PACO: Thanks Cleetus. One more thing. You have a B.A. in English Literature from Princeton, a Master’s Degree in History from Yale and a Ph.D. in Political Science from Harvard. Why do you still talk like a hillbilly?
CLEETUS: I don’t talk like a hillbilly. I talk like a ridge runner. Hillbilly’s live in West Virginny and we all know how low those critters are on the food chain. Anyhow, as you know better than most, you can dang sure take the boy outta the country, but you cain’t take the country outta the boy. Jus’ take a look at that Councilman Jeffers fella. He’s got country written all over him, even though he has a college edgeecation. Where’s he from, by the way?
PACO: Uh, West Virginia.
CLEETUS: Uh, oh. Well, mebbe he’s an exception to the rule. Watch him close though and good luck.
PACO: Thanks Cleetus. Happy New Year.
CLEETUS: Same to you Bubba. Y’all come visit us real soon, ya hear?
PACO: Will do.
There you have it folks, straight from my cousin Cleetus. Phony is a bubble haid.
Now, emails from readers.
Dear Paco,
I read that Broward County’s Board of County Commissioners will begin interviewing candidates for the County Manager’s job on January 19th. Do you think C.M. Stewart feels confident?
C.S.
Dear C.S.,
There was a moving van parked outside his house the other day.
Moving or not, you heard it through the Capevine.
