HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Well, it’s that time of year when I make my New Years predictions. Avid readers of the Capevine know that last year’s predictions all came true and have been clamoring for my insight into the future. Therefore, without further ado, my top ten predictions for 2006.
1. Mayor Eric “Phony” Feichthaler is charged with more ethics violations, prompting the Ethics Commission to hire 10 full-time staffers just to handle the complaints filed against him. Since Phony is required to travel to Tallahassee repeatedly in order to answer the complaints, the Ethics Commission provides him with his own parking space.
2. Terry Stewart leaves for greener pastures. Former Mayor Arnold Kempe applies for City Manager’s job.
3. School Board members Elinor Scricca and Steve Teuber are defeated in their re-election bids. Re-elected Board member Bob Chilmonik organizes their replacements and forges a coup, ousting School Super Jim “Brouhaha” Browder and his henchmen. Salary savings resulting from firing Browder and his unproductive friends enables the School Board to build 3 brand new state of the art schools.
4. Libertarian nudist atheist Tom Clark joins forces with Tim Day in opposition to Phony’s attempt to mortgage the City in exchange for the Cleveland Indians re-locating their spring training complex to Cape Coral. Clark convinces Day to become a nudist.
5. Councilman Dick Stevens misses 10 consecutive Council meetings. Nobody notices.
6. Un-named Uncivilized Association members arrested for impersonating intelligent life forms. Acquitted for lack of evidence.
7. State Representative Bruce Kyle finally becomes a Circuit Judge. Misses his first case because he can’t find the courthouse.
8. State Representative Jeff Kottkamp finally does something positive for the City of Cape Coral…he resigns.
9. Councilman A.J. Boyd announces his candidacy for Mayor. Chooses Sal Grosso to be his campaign manager.
10. George W. Bush impeached for organizing conspiracy to undermine the U.S. Constitution. Acquitted. Senate realizes that he is not smart enough to organize anything.
Well, there you have it. Paco’s picks for 2006. You can make book on their accuracy. Just remember, I get 10 percent of your winnings.
And now, emails from readers.
Dear Paco,
Where did you celebrate New Year’s Eve?
M.R.
Dear M.R.
At the LePera residence.
Dear Paco,
Do you have any New Year’s resolutions?
J.J.
Dear J.J.
Just one. I resolve to be nicer to imbecilic moronic cretins…until they do something imbecilic or moronic.
1. Mayor Eric “Phony” Feichthaler is charged with more ethics violations, prompting the Ethics Commission to hire 10 full-time staffers just to handle the complaints filed against him. Since Phony is required to travel to Tallahassee repeatedly in order to answer the complaints, the Ethics Commission provides him with his own parking space.
2. Terry Stewart leaves for greener pastures. Former Mayor Arnold Kempe applies for City Manager’s job.
3. School Board members Elinor Scricca and Steve Teuber are defeated in their re-election bids. Re-elected Board member Bob Chilmonik organizes their replacements and forges a coup, ousting School Super Jim “Brouhaha” Browder and his henchmen. Salary savings resulting from firing Browder and his unproductive friends enables the School Board to build 3 brand new state of the art schools.
4. Libertarian nudist atheist Tom Clark joins forces with Tim Day in opposition to Phony’s attempt to mortgage the City in exchange for the Cleveland Indians re-locating their spring training complex to Cape Coral. Clark convinces Day to become a nudist.
5. Councilman Dick Stevens misses 10 consecutive Council meetings. Nobody notices.
6. Un-named Uncivilized Association members arrested for impersonating intelligent life forms. Acquitted for lack of evidence.
7. State Representative Bruce Kyle finally becomes a Circuit Judge. Misses his first case because he can’t find the courthouse.
8. State Representative Jeff Kottkamp finally does something positive for the City of Cape Coral…he resigns.
9. Councilman A.J. Boyd announces his candidacy for Mayor. Chooses Sal Grosso to be his campaign manager.
10. George W. Bush impeached for organizing conspiracy to undermine the U.S. Constitution. Acquitted. Senate realizes that he is not smart enough to organize anything.
Well, there you have it. Paco’s picks for 2006. You can make book on their accuracy. Just remember, I get 10 percent of your winnings.
And now, emails from readers.
Dear Paco,
Where did you celebrate New Year’s Eve?
M.R.
Dear M.R.
At the LePera residence.
Dear Paco,
Do you have any New Year’s resolutions?
J.J.
Dear J.J.
Just one. I resolve to be nicer to imbecilic moronic cretins…until they do something imbecilic or moronic.
In 2006, as in 2005, you heard it through the Capevine.
