NEWS FLASH – MAYOR YAHOO WOOS CHIEF WAHOO.

Cape Coral Mayor Eric P(hony) Feichthaler, in an attempt to establish his legacy, has announced his efforts to convince the Cleveland Indians to re-locate their spring training complex to Cape Coral.

Two medicine men from the Cleveland Indians were in town on Monday for the initial powwow. No further meetings are planned at the present time. That’s too bad, because I agree with His Dishonorableness II on this issue. We have enough chiefs in town. Therefore, a few more Indians would be good for everybody, especially the Mayor.

Let’s face it, a spring training complex is much more important than the need for new roads and other infrastructure needs, which, I should add, are grossly overstated. Has anyone gone missing for more than a few hours because they drove into the large potholes north of Pine Island Road? Of course not. They had cell phones. It just took a little while to find them.

And the City doesn’t need to be focusing on sewer and water services for City residents that don’t have it. After all, people have been getting by for years with wells and septic tanks. Who cares if the wells go dry and our groundwater becomes contaminated? Geez. It’s not like that would be the end of the world or anything.

And it really doesn’t matter that the very expensive land on which the new ballpark will be located was supposed to be for all citizens to enjoy and not just those who want to watch professional baseball and/or play baseball themselves. Get real. Cape Coral is large enough for the whiners to find some other place to recreate.

And who cares if the City will have to build and maintain the stadium while the Indians rake in all the profits. The City has to give something up for progress, doesn’t it? The taxpayers will give and the Indians will take…and take…and take some more. That’s the American way. And it’s a rather small price to pay for the possibility that a few crumbs will fall from the Indians table and have a positive economic impact on the City.

Don’t forget that the most important thing a politician can establish is his/her legacy. Therefore, since the Mayor has accomplished so little in his brief tenure in office, I think we should all rally round him and let him have what will probably be the only thing he will be able to bring about during his one and only term in office…a boondoggle.

PAGE TWO

I have an update on the report that Brouhaha Browder’s lackeys are attempting to round up someone to run against School Board member Bob Chilmonik because he has been giving Browder a rough time. Rumor has it that the suspect is none other than former Cape Coral Police Chief Arnold Gibbs. HOLY EGOMANIAC BATMAN!!!

Now let me get this straight. Browder and his gofers don’t like the fact that Chilmonik has a mind of his own and want someone to replace him who will do whatever they want. Is that about it? If that’s the case, do they really expect Gibbs, who has an ego the size of the Southwestern part of the United States, to kowtow to their every whim? Yeah, like that’s going to happen in their lifetimes. If they think they have it rough with Chilmonik, they ain’t seen nothin’ yet. If Gibbs is elected, he will want total control of the School Board, including Browder. He’s used to giving orders, not taking them. Soooo, be careful what you wish for Jimmy Boy. Jumping from the frying pan into the fire ain’t what it’s all cracked up to be.

As you may recall, Gibbs challenged State Representative Jeff Kottkamp a few years ago and got his fanny whipped pretty good? Let’s face it, if Gibbs can’t mount a realistic challenge against the do nothing Kottkamp, primarily in Cape Coral where he thought he was so beloved, how does he expect to challenge in a countywide race? Stay tuned. This could be really fun.

PAGE THREE

I just read that Frank D’Alessandro has sued Janet Watermeier, his partner in a real estate company. You remember Frank, don’t you? He’s the one who was caught wearing a deputy sheriff’s uniform on his way to a Halloween party. Trick or treat?

And everybody remembers Janet. She’s the one who worked in secret with Brouhaha Browder to destroy one of Cape Coral’s oldest neighborhoods by trying to sell The Golf Club to the School Board so they could put up a mega school complex. You may also recall that they revealed their plot to Terry “Tight Lips” Stewart and convinced him to remain mum about the whole deal. In case you’ve been on another planet or, worse yet, watching City Council re-runs, that’s why Stewart was given the nickname “Tight Lips”.

What a great Christmas gift…more egocentric people to write about. Thank you Santa.


And now, emails from readers.

Hey Butthead,

You’re a pompous, self-centered, egotistical, arrogant, snobby, stuck-up, ostentatious pain in the butt who has no redeeming social value. Your so-called column is nothing more than a vicious and sarcastic diatribe against anybody who doesn’t agree with your narrow-minded points of view. So why don’t you make like a tree, and get out of here.

R.S.

Dear R.S.

And your point is…?

Dear Paco,

While watching Nick at Nite, I may have figured out why the town in Petticoat Junction was named “Hooterville”. I think it has something to do with the three beautiful young women that starred in it. Do you think I’m onto something?

E.B.

Dear E.B.,

“On” something is more like it.


Regardless of what you’re on, you heard it through the Capevine.

p.s. Don’t forget to put out cookies and milk for Santa.

News flash! My crack staff of investigative reporters has learned that there is a move afoot to vote School Board member Bob Chilmonik out of office due to his continued criticism of Jim “Brouhaha” Browder. Apparently, the powers that be at the School Board, led by Browder himself, feel somewhat threatened by Chilmonik and are worried that the public will begin to see what Chilmonik has come to realize, i.e., that Browder is a self serving bureaucratic who has surrounded himself with his “good bud” hatchet men who support him the way ignorant Republicans support the Prez. In other words, Brouhaha ain’t good for Lee County education.

Rumor has it that the individual being recruited to unseat Chilmonik is a former Cape Coral official. What is not known at this point is whether the former official was elected or a member of the administration. Stay tuned. This could be really juicy.

Supporting Browder unequivocally is Steve “Crash” Teuber. You know him. He’s the guy who ran into a car, then left the scene without providing the owner of the car he hit with his insurance information.

His recent evaluation of Browder speaks volumes about his lack of mental acuity. He reportedly said about Browder, “He continues to be the beacon on the front of the ship that is slowly turning against the tide of established practices”. A synonym for beacon is “warning”. I agree with that. Browder’s actions should send a warning to those of us who value elected and appointed public officials that put taxpaying citizens first, not last.

I can only assume that one of the “established practices” Browder is turning away from is open government, especially when you consider that he has a penchant for secrecy and co-opting other bureaucrats to go along with his subterfuge, e.g., The Golf Club fiasco in Cape Coral.

It will soon be time for citizens to speak. Will they agree with Chilmonik and his attempt to rein in Browder and his goons, or will they side with the two mindless drones up for re-election next year, Teuber and Scricca. A vote for the latter two is a vote for Browder and will give him the ultimate power that his ego demands? Chilmonik should stay. Teuber and Scricca should not.

PAGE TWO

Well, well, well. I see where the individual who wrote the editorial in the December 17, 2005 edition of the “Light Wind” can’t see the forest for the trees, as usual. He/she/it praised His Dishonorableness II in his attempt to have the CRA reimburse the City for legal costs directly associated with CRA business. He/she/it said, “Mayor Feichthaler maintains that it is fair and reasonable that the CRA bear a proportionate share of the costs for work that has a direct benefit to the downtown property owners”. HELLLLLOOO!!! Nobody said it wasn’t “fair and reasonable”. The problem, editorial writer, is how Phony went about requesting the money.

You see, Kempe…uh, I mean, Feichthaler (sorry, Freudian slip), sent a letter to the CRA without discussing it with the City Council. To add insult to contempt, he didn’t even send copies to the Council members. The only person he copied is City Manager Terry Stewart. Therefore, it’s obvious that he places his mentor, Stewart, above the rest of the City Council members.

Phony’s rosy cheeks got a bit rosier when Jim Jeffers brought the episode up at last Monday’s Council meeting. Jeffers repeatedly set Phony up with jabs and Tim “Make My” Day provided the knockout punch after Phony said he did not intend for the letter to be construed as having come from the City Council. Day pointed out that it was on City stationery and was signed by Phony as the Mayor. SLAM AND DUNK!!! Rosy Cheeks tried to rectify the situation, but it was too late.

Lest it get too serious, Alex “Lippy” LePera lived up to her nickname and provided some comic relief. One would think that Lippy would agree with Jeffers and Day since she has connections with the CRA and was, for several years, the Council liaison to that agency. But NOOOO!. Lippy said that if she knew what the topic was going to be about, she would not have voted to place it on the agenda for discussion. She stated that it should be discussed before it was brought before the Council. HELLLLOOOO!

“Gentlemen Jim” was kind with his female dog slap of LePera when he pointed out that that is exactly what they were doing and that the only place it could be discussed was at a public meeting. Lippy tried to recover, but to no avail. The damage was done. She looked and sounded ridiculous, once again.

I, on the other hand, would not have been as diplomatic as Gentlemen Jim. I probably would have said, “HEY MO-RON. What do you want us to do, violate the Sunshine Law?! Get your head out of wherever it is and make sense!!!” Whew, I feel much better now.

Am I expecting too much when I ask the two local newspapers to cover the “whole” story? I guess so. Will it ever happen? Probably not. Why? Because the whole truth doesn’t let them spin the story the way they want. To get the whole truth, you have to read The Capevine.

And now, emails from readers.

Dear Paco,

Do you agree with George W. Bush’s decision to break the law and authorize warrantless spying on American citizens?

D.T.

Dear D.T.

It’s good to know that Richard Nixon still lives.

Merry Christmas to all and remember, you heard it through the Capevine.