NEWS FLASH!!! This just in! Cape Coral City Manager Terry “Tight Lips” Stewart has decided to apply for the Broward County Manager’s job. Just remember, you heard it here first.

Yeah, yeah, I know that you think you read it in both the “Snooze Press” and “The Light Wind” a couple of days ago, but that was just your imagination. Forget about those cream puffs. This is the real news, hard hitting and to the point.

Rumor has it that even though Stewart informed the City Council, his directors and most of senior management that he had applied for the job, some people still don’t understand how it became public. Say what? For Pete’s sake, everyone knows that telling just one person on that City Council is better than telling all the major news networks.

Everybody knows that Dolores “News Bulletin” Bertolini has better network connections than CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN and MSNBC combined. If you want something made public, tell News Bulletin, swear her to secrecy and, voila, instant communications throughout the City.

What’s really hilarious about this episode is that after she told the newspapers, she expressed shock that it became public. Here’s a news flash for you Dolores. We all know it was you.

What should not come as a shock is the praise heaped on Tight Lips by His Phoniness, the Mayor. He said in the article, “Stewart is one of the most dedicated professionals I’ve ever worked with.” That could mean that Phony has worked with a lot of professionals and that Stewart is at the top, or it could mean that he hasn’t worked with any professionals and Stewart is the benchmark. Either way, it's not good.

Nevertheless, I agree that Stewart is dedicated. He is dedicated to imposing a Public Services tax on the citizens of Cape Coral. He is also dedicated to trying to convince the City Council members that the Save Our Homes Amendment is a disaster and that they should oppose the portability of that fantastic tax break. Yessirree Bob, dedicated he is.

Phony also said that he wanted “to leave all the avenues open to see if we can accommodate his (Stewart’s) needs”. Translation, open your purse strings taxpayers, Papa wants a new pair of shoes.

What I noticed most about the Snooze Press article is the fact that the only person on the City Council who had anything good to say about Stewart is Phony. Hmmm. What does that tell you about how all the others feel?

PAGE TWO

I read in today’s Snooze Press that His Phoniness wants to bill the CRA for legal work done on the new development regulations that affect the CRA. Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t the new regulations part of the Citywide development regulations adopted through ordinances? If that’s the case, and the City Attorney works for the City, why then does the Mayor want the CRA to reimburse the City? Don’t improvements made in the CRA also benefit the entire City?

Phony also said in his letter to the CRA that “it’s ‘his’ responsibility to make sure taxpayers are paying directly for legal services the CRA should cover.” His responsibility? HIS RESPONSIBILITY? Whoa Nellie! I’m sure the rest of the City Council appreciates that.

Speaking of the rest of the City Council, did they discuss this matter publicly and vote to send a bill to the CRA, or did His Dishonorableness do this on his own? If the latter is the case, and the City Council doesn’t object, STRENUOUSLY, then perhaps they should just resign and let Phony and Tight Lips run the City all by “them lonesome”, like they want? That would save a little bit of money, which is, by all accounts, all some of the Council members are worth anyway.

Sure sounds to me like Herr Phony is running for another office. Let’s see, what office would be appropriate? Ooh, ooh, I know, I know. How about Chairman of the Ethics Commission? He certainly has enough experience. He’s already paid a $1,000 fine for one ethics violation and, according to my sources, will be fined for at least one other.

PAGE THREE

I see where a Snooze Press columnist wrote about his take on the various members of the City Council. Methinks this guy doesn’t have a clue, therefore, I shall call him Clueless. Although his name is the same as a famous detective’s nemesis, he certainly doesn’t display the same kind of mental acuity as that fictional character.

First of all, Clueless said that Tim Day is too focused and intense. God forbid that a Council member be focused and intent on doing the public’s business. What does he want Day to be, inattentive and meek?

He also said that Stevens and Bertolini are soft-spoken and low-key. Just remember, Clueless, people with those characteristics can also be vindictive and mean-spirited.

I applaud Clueless’ willingness to attend Council meetings, but I sure wish he would refrain from writing about something he knows so little about. Where does the Snooze Press get these people anyway?

And now, emails from readers.

Dear Paco,

Your columns display different writing styles. Some are funny, others are acerbic and some have both attributes. Are you more than one person?

V.H.

Dear V.H.

Duh!

Whether you’re funny, acerbic or both, just remember that you heard it through the Capevine.