Golly gee willikers. 2006 sure did go fast, and now 2007 is here, ready or not. For those of you who were afraid I wouldn’t post my 2007 predictions, not to worry. I wouldn’t let you down like that. I should warn you, however, that I will only be able to post these New Year’s predictions for another five years because, according to the ancient Aztecs, the world will come to an end on December 21, 2012. Bummer.

Therefore, without further ado, (drum roll please) here are my 2007 predictions.

1. Mayor Feichthaler is called back to law school for a refresher course on Constitutional Due Process. He earns an F+.

2. Lieutenant Governor (cough, cough) Jeff Kottkamp’s Chief of Staff dies of boredom. He didn’t have anything to do because Governor (cough, cough) Charlie Crist didn’t assign any duties to Kottkamp. Crist quoted as saying he couldn’t trust Kottkamp to do anything.

3. Newly elected Lee Soil & Water District Group 3 member, nudist atheist Tom Clark, shows up at meetings sans clothing. Nobody notices.

4. Mickey Rosado is found innocent of all charges against him. Wins re-election in a landslide. Terry Stewart seen speeding out of town on his Harley.

5. News Press columnist Sam Cook wins “2006 Horse’s Patoody Award” for his biased coverage of Mickey Rosado.

6. School Board members Steve Teuber and Bob Chilmonik get into fist fight at a Board meeting. Board member Elinor Scricca breaks up the fight by body slamming both to the floor. Hired as wrestling coach at Fort Myers High School when it is discovered she was a college wrestling champion. Superintendent Browder begins calling her “Coach”.

7. Lynn Rosko runs for election to Cape Coral City Council and takes her seat next to Mayor Feichthaler. Feichthaler quickly moves his seat to end of dais and sits quietly while Rosko takes over.

8. Terms for Cape Coral City Council members A.J. Boyd, Alex LePera and Dick Stevens unceremoniously end after 9 years. Nobody notices…or cares.

9. Lee County School Board superintendent Jim Browder hires Former Charter School administrator Patrick Mark as Charter School Coordinator for all Lee County charter schools. Mark promptly recommends revoking charters for City of Cape Coral Charter Schools. School Board agrees.

10. Newly elected Cape Coral City Council members cancel all contracts with MWH. Decide outhouses are least expensive alternative. Council member Tim Day promptly resigns and begins outhouse-manufacturing company with former Council Member Asfour and former Mayor Kempe. Company slogan for newly formed We Do Poo, Inc. is “We dig it, you fill it”. City Council Member Mickey Rosado helps the newly formed company negotiate contract with the City. Earns $271,000 for his efforts.

As always, my 2007 predictions will prove to be as accurate as all my others.


And now, emails from readers.

Dear Paco,

What do you think LePera, Stevens and Boyd will do when they leave office?

V.H.

Dear V.H.,

Exactly what they did when they were in office…nothing.


Dear Paco,

Do you believe Mickey Rosado will receive a fair hearing from this City Council?

M.V.

Dear M.V.,

Absolutely, just like I believe George W. Bush has an IQ above that of a chimpanzee.

Whether you have a high IQ or are more at home swinging through the trees, you heard it through The Capevine.

The election is over. The key question now is whether or not we will be any better off with the newly elected, and re-elected, politicians. Time will tell, but if last week is any indication, we may be better off moving to another country, like Miami.

Case in point. The Lee County Commission has two new members, if you consider Frank Mann, Sr. new. This guy has been around the track more times than Jeff Gordon. He was elected to the Florida House of Representatives, the Florida Senate and became a Lieutenant Governor candidate in 1986 following an unsuccessful run for Governor. He was also appointed to the Lee County Commission a few years ago, but was defeated in a subsequent election. When it comes to winning elections, Mann’s motto is “I think I can, I think I can”.

Most people are not aware that Frank Mann actually ran for President. It’s true. He ran against Calvin Coolidge. And now he’s back as an elected official. What will he bring to the County Commission? Who knows, but if I were to hazard a guess, I would say it would have something to do with Medicare.

The second new kid on the block is Brian Bigelow. If his last name sounds familiar, it should. His father, Charlie Bigelow, was elected to the County Commission a few years back. Charlie was given the name Chainsaw Charlie because he represented a developer who was notorious for cutting down mangroves, which is slightly illegal. Chainsaw was also famous for being arrested by the IRS. I believe he failed to file a couple of tax returns. Can’t imagine why the IRS would have a problem with that. Seems a bit like nit picking to me.

What do Charlie’s transgressions have to do with his son? Absolutely nothing, but Bigelow’s opponent, “Do Nothing” Doug St. Cerny, tried to make the connection. It failed, giving us the opportunity to say to St. Cerny, “See ya Dougie. We weren’t glad we met ya”.

Brian Bigelow made a big splash at his first meeting, actually making the County Commission meet longer than its normal 15 minutes. Believe it or not, he asked questions and initiated dialogue, something that is new to the veteran commissioners. That prompted some Commissioners to opine that, although the discussion was helpful, they “expected” meetings to be more efficient in the future. Efficient means no discussion, just 5 ayes and 0 nays so they can get out of there very quickly and do whatever it is they do for approximately $80,000 per year.

An interesting comment was attributed to Michael “Wrong Man” Reitmann, President of the Lee Building Industry Association. “I can appreciate a new commissioner coming in to look at the issues, but I don’t think the first day was the appropriate time to bring these things up. There’s a process in place. I hope this is a one-time event”.

Now, one might not think those comments reveal anything, except when one considers that Bigelow is a former planner and big on protecting the environment, and “Wrong Man” represents the building industry. Get it? This is a classic example of builders versus a County Commissioner who wants responsible growth.

I have two questions for “Wrong Man”. When is the appropriate time to bring up issues that affect the public? And, what process is in place for doing so? Inquiring minds want to know.

The most telling comment, however, came from somebody who should be doing something other than being a County Commissioner, Tammy Hall. According to the Snooze Press, Hall stated that the meeting could have been about an hour shorter. She said “she was looking forward to getting back to sleep because she had a cold”. Getting back to sleep? Was she ever awake?

The fireworks are set up and ready to go. Anyone have a match?


PAGE TWO

There’s good news and bad news about the new disease my medical experts have uncovered in Southwest Florida. The good news is that it afflicts only elected officials. That’s also the bad news. My experts call it “sycophantitis”. Symptoms include relegating all thought processes to the un-elected, appointed, overpaid bureaucrats whose only concern is perpetuating their existence. Once inflicted, elected officials refuse to criticize those bureaucrats and fail to exercise their oversight function, in effect rubber-stamping everything the bureaucrats want. The elected officials then circle the wagons, defending the bureaucrats against attacks from the outside, aka, the citizens who pay the bills.

Fittingly enough, the origination of the disease was traced to the Board members for the Lee Memorial Health System. Who knows where the Board members caught it from, but there’s a lot of bad stuff going around. The disease quickly spread to the Lee County School Board, the County Commission and finally, to the Cape Coral City Council.

Some elected officials are immune to the disease. Those elected officials, if they are in the minority on the Boards, Commissions or Councils to which they were elected, are relentlessly attacked by the inflicted majority. The bureaucrats invariably instigate these attacks by taking advantage of the diminished capacities of the affected elected officials.

Fortunately, there is a cure. It is called election day, where citizens can purge the afflicted officials from the various elected bodies by voting them out of office. Problems surface when the electorate becomes afflicted with another, even more terrifying illness, “Brainfry”. Symptoms include apathy toward the voting process in addition to the inability to effectively discern the good candidates from the bad.

Is it a hopeless cause? Absolutely. I suggest that those citizens who are free of illness go out into their back yards and dig a hole. Then they should just sit in their respective holes until the end of the world. Don’t worry. With George Bush as President, that will be sooner than you think. Good luck.


PAGE THREE

My heartbeat rapidly increased and I nearly jumped for joy as I caught a glimpse of page one of the Local and State section of the Sunday, November 26, 2006 Snooze Press and read the blurb, “Cook Out”. I immediately thought the powers that be at the Snooze Press finally came to their senses and banished Cook, once and for all time, to the “Island of Misfit Boys”. My joy was short lived however when I realized that the blurb was merely informing readers of a reprieve from Sam’s spam until Wednesday, November 29th. Bummer…major bummer.

PAGE FOUR

Many of you are probably wondering why I did not mention my favorite politicians in this post, the members of the Cape Coral City Council. Not to worry. Stay tuned.


And now, emails from readers.

Dear Paco,

What would you say to Mayor Feichthaler since he blamed former Charter School Administrator Patrick Mark for the troubles facing Cape Coral’s Municipal Charter Schools?

P.M.


Dear P.M.

Look in the mirror.


Dear Paco,

What’s the best thing about Jeff Kottkamp being elected Lieutenant Governor?

C.C.


Dear C.C.,

His political career is over.


Dear Paco,

Do you think Mickey Rosado is guilty of anything?

Mrs. M.R.


Dear Mrs. M.R.,

He’s guilty of stating the obvious: Cape Coral City Manager Terry Stewart must go.

Guilty or innocent, you heard it through The Capevine.

Just got back into town yesterday. All I can say about what happened during my brief absence is WOW! It happens every time. As soon as I leave town for a while, all hell breaks loose.

First of all, I almost lost my lunch when I found out that Charlie Crist picked Jeff Kottkamp as his running mate. You have got to be kidding me! Kottkamp is about as much of a loser as some of those people who belong to the Uncivilized Association. As a matter of fact, Kottkamp is a member of that less than illustrious group, and is one of Ralphie’s best buds. What does that tell you about his common sense? He has none.

Not to worry. Kottkamp won’t hurt Crist’s chances of being the next Governor. Republicans will vote for anybody with an “R” behind their names on the ballot. As everybody knows, Republicans can’t think for themselves. Then again, Democrats can’t think at all.

The most frightening thing about Crist’s selection is that Kottkamp will be just one teeny-weeny little heartbeat from the Governor’s chair. Now, if that doesn’t make the old heart palpitate, nothing will. Sorry Charlie. Davis will get my vote. Anybody who exhibits such a monumental lack of intelligence doesn’t deserve to be Governor.

What’s even more ridiculous than Kottkamp being selected as a Lieutenant Governor candidate is who replaced him as the District 74 Representative…Mr. Builder himself, Giddy Gary Aubuchon. I read that Aubuchon is building Kottkamp’s new half million dollar house in North Fort Myers. I’m not an expert on conflicts of interest mind you, but that just might be one.

Aubuchon is used to getting his way with the local yokels. He actually has some people believing that he was a community activist. Yeah, right. If you believe that, trust me when I say that Montgomery Watson has the best interests of the citizens in mind as they rake in millions of dollars in profits. Aubuchon is in for a rude awakening in Tallahassee. Those guys play hardball. Good luck Giddy. You’re going to need it.

PAGE TWO

Next comes the selection of Jim Jeffers’ replacement on the Cape Coral City Council. There were nine people who applied for the appointment. I watched the replay of the meeting wherein they all spoke.

Mr. Greer, the Chamber of Commerce’ handpicked replacement, seemed the most self-absorbed. That being the case, he and Tight Lips Stewart would have meshed quite nicely. Why, I’ll bet he was even wearing an, “I love Terry Stewart” t-shirt under his dress shirt. Greer’s entering his name as a candidate had Gloria “Too Late” Tate written all over it. Nobody loves Stewart more than Tate, so why wouldn’t she want someone who saw things her way to sit in the seat she occupied for way too long.

The LePera’s, both Lippy and Ralphie “The Rant”, favored Leelo Diane Bush, the runner up to Jeffers. When I heard that Lippy actually compared a city council race to a beauty pageant, I didn’t believe it, until I watched it on tape. Yep. She sure did. She said the runner-up in a race for elective office should receive the seat by default if the winner was unable to finish the term to which he/she was elected, just like a beauty pageant.

Let’s take that philosophy one step further. Using that approach, Kempe would replace Feichthaler if he couldn’t serve, Davis would replace Rosado, Grosso would replace Boyd, Butler would replace LePera and Clark would replace Day. Don’t eat anything while you contemplate that scenario. You might not be able to keep it down.

Tom Hair, the youngest and most educated applicant, got the nod in a 4 to 3 runoff vote with Greer. Feichthaler, Bertolini and Boyd wanted Greer, probably because Stewart wanted him. LePera, Rosado, Stevens and Day voted for Hair. Finally, good decisions by LePera and Stevens.

One thing that troubled me about the interview process, however, centered on LePera’s question to Hair. She asked him which council member appointed him to the County Exploratory Committee. He said he could not recall. What a strange question. Why would she care? I then figured it out. She did not like the person who appointed Hair and probably thought about voting against him because she thought he would be a puppet of that person. How lame is that? I’m sure she would prefer that Hair be her puppet instead. Oh well.

We will have to wait and see how Hair performs. He has only one year to prove his mettle before he will have to run for the office on his own. Will Hair side with the administration as they screw over the citizens, or will he realize that Stewart and his lieutenants must go? Stay tuned.

PAGE THREE

It looks like Rosado has done it again. Just when I thought he had put behind him the events surrounding his conviction for telling a fib about holding a college degree, he gets himself in more trouble. Mickey is alleged to have attempted to delay the annexation of the Zemel property north of Cape Coral so that a buyer he knew could get a better deal before the annexation. He also entered into an agreement to help Boyd’s former boss sell his business.

Mind you, none of these allegations is proven, but the citizens are restless and demanding his resignation. Mayor Eric “Phony” Feichthaler called a special meeting to look into the allegations and give Rosado a chance to explain himself. Rosado said he would not show, so who will they be asking questions of…themselves?

The City Council could call for an investigation by the authorities. The City Council may also ask the Governor to suspend Rosado pending the outcome of the investigation. Good luck. The Guv didn’t suspend Rosado 3 years ago even when he pled guilty to lying about his degree. So, I wouldn’t hold my breath over this one.

My guess is that Rosado will survive this impeachment attempt, serve out his term and then leave for greener pastures. Good luck Mickey. You just might need it.


And now, emails from readers.

Dear Paco,

Do you think Mickey Rosado can get re-elected.

M.R.

Dear M.R.,

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Whether you’ve been fooled or are one, you heard it through The Capevine.

I cannot even begin to imagine what it would be like to live three fourths of my life confined to a wheelchair. Jim Jeffers knew. As a result of an automobile accident when he was just 15 years old, Jim went through life facing obstacles that those of us who are fortunate to have full use of our legs would find maddening, at best.

After the realization came that he would never walk again, Jim had a decision to make. Go through life feeling sorry for himself or get a college education and make a difference. For those of us fortunate enough to have known Jim, we are glad he chose the latter.

When Jim decided to attend college, he was confronted by discrimination because he used a wheelchair. He was refused admittance to some colleges because of his disability, but that didn’t stop him. He went on to earn bachelors and masters degrees, no small feat when federally mandated handicap access was still years away.

Jim decided to move to Cape Coral when he retired from a full life of government service, but he didn’t stay retired for long. He realized that he wanted to participate in the future of Cape Coral and applied to serve on various boards and commissions until he decided to run for City Council.

Jim ran a campaign that many would call “clean”. I would call it spotless. Although subjected to personal attacks by some people in the community, Jim never resorted to criticism or personal attacks against his opponent in the general election.

Following his election, Jim served with distinction until his untimely death. His demeanor was always calming and his reasoning logical. He will be missed.

My vision of Heaven is filled with rolling hills, covered with lush green grass and flowers in bloom as far as the eye can see. I picture Jim standing on the crest of one of those hills with a mischievous grin on his face. I see him running along the crest and then down the hill, picking up speed as he runs just to see how fast he can go. His grin broadens. He is free, for there are no wheelchairs in Heaven.

Run Jim…run.

NEWS FLASH: CHIEF WAHOO GIVES MAYOR YAHOO THE HIGH SIGN.

You heard it here first folks. Well maybe not exactly first, but you heard it here. The Mayor’s continued attempt to relive his childhood by having a baseball team to play with has once again been thwarted, by those same Cleveland Indians, no less.

I’m not quite sure why Mayor Phony doesn’t just give it up. Maybe it’s because he’s trying to make up for his lack of accomplishments during his all too long tenure. Let me take that back. He actually has accomplished something. He has done more to divide the City Council than any other mayor in the history of Cape Coral. Now that is an accomplishment. He has also clearly demonstrated that he has no leadership abilities, as evidenced by the fact that he continues to alienate the citizens by his refusal to take the bull by the horns and lay blame for this utility expansion project where it belongs, at the feet of Terry “Tight Shorts” Stewart.

Perhaps the reason he doesn’t want to get rid of Stewart is because he won’t have anybody to tell him what to do. God forbid that should happen. Then where would we be…leaderless, with no vision for the future and heading down the path of destruction. Wait. That’s where we are now. Never mind.

One can only hope Mayor Phony gives up his childhood dreams and focuses on the future. On second thought, it is the Mayor I’m talking about. Never mind…again.

PAGE TWO

“Until the charter schools come to me and say there is an issue, I don't think there is an issue," Feichthaler said. "They're a separate, independent board. I can only assume they don't have any problems until they approach us.”

That’s what the Mayor said in an August 22, 2006 story, “Falling Numbers Concern Charters”. Yessirree Bob. The Mayor wants to keep hands off until asked. Finally, a rational thought. Phony realizes that he does not have any say over the Charter School System and will let them do their own thing. Then appeared another story in the August 24, 2006 edition of The Cape section of the Snooze Press entitled, “Appointment Touches Political Nerve”.

School Administrator Patrick Mark appointed Tim Day to a blue ribbon task force that was charged with designing the curriculum for the Charter High School. Therein lies the problem. You see, Mayor Phony does not especially appreciate Tim Day for reasons known only to him. Therefore, Phony will never fail to take a shot at Day any chance he gets. Phony’s problem is that Day shoots back…and he’s a marksman.

According to the Snooze Press, Phony sent an email to Mark stating, “If you did not provide anyone else on council this opportunity, your decision can only have a negative impact on the relationship between council and the charter schools”. Whoa Nellie, is that a threat!? What happened to the independence of the Charter School System?

Wait, there’s more. Phony also wrote, “Hand-picking someone from council who you like, at the exclusion of all others, further complicates the problems of last year.” Does that mean Mark doesn’t like the other members of council? I can understand if he doesn’t like Phony, but I didn’t know he disliked any other council members. And what problems is he talking about, those that he helped cause?

Phony stated that Council member Dolores Bertolini attends nearly every Charter School Board Governing Board meeting and Council member Jim Jeffers is a member of the governing board. Of course, we all know that attending meetings makes one an expert on curriculum. After all, Bertolini does have a high school education, I think. Therefore, she should, of course be included on a committee that is charged with designing a high school curriculum. Regarding Jeffers, we all are aware that he is not well and has missed several council and school board meetings. The last thing that poor guy needs is more work while he is on the mend. Or didn’t Phony think about Jeffers’ health? Sorry, that was a stupid question. Of course he didn’t. Self-absorbed people never consider others.

What Phony conveniently failed to mention, but Dr. Mark knew all too well, is that Day was on the City Council when the charter school idea first took flight and serves as the Council liaison for the Academic Village project. In addition, he is a school administrator with the Lee County School District, experience that neither Bertolini nor Jeffers has.

Wait, there’s more. If Phony believed Day would not respond to his childish antics, he was wrong. Day was quoted as saying, “The mayor is acting like a child to even suggest this. He’s acting like someone is playing with his G.I. Joe, and he needs to grow up”. Holy female dog slap, Batman! Take that Phony!

Actually, Day may have crossed the line with his G.I. Joe comment, and I have no problem taking him to task over it. I believe it was not only insulting, but also demeaning to imply that Phony actually played with a G.I. Joe. That’s an insult to all those who actually play with G.I. Joe’s. Now, I’m not saying the Mayor is above playing with doll like figures. But I picture him as more of a Barbie Doll kind of guy, pink undies and all.

Stay tuned for this one folks. This will be fun to watch. Phony doesn’t like to be revealed for what he is and Day doesn’t cotton to childlike antics. He’s raising four kids. He doesn’t need any more.

PAGE THREE

From the “You have WAAAYYY too much time on your hands” files comes another crybaby antic from Mayor Phony. In the August 26, 2006 edition of the Snooze Press, in an article titled, “Mayor, councilman are at odds over list of questions”, Phony takes Councilman Rosado to task for asking questions that Rosado prepared in advance of the meeting. Phony claims they were from Kessler, the forensic auditor whose bombshell report created a stir in this city of epic proportions and actually caused Stewart’s shorts to become too tight. Both Rosado and Kessler denied this, but it still raises the question: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WHO CARES!!!!!?

Phony sent an email to Rosado wherein he said, “I note that you do not refute the assertion that you have been reading off prepared scripts during council meetings”. Well, Phony, I will let you in on a little secret. If you read from prepared scripts, written by adults, you wouldn’t look and sound like the child the citizens are realizing that you are, and always have been.

What difference does it make where the questions came from as long as they were pertinent to the discussion. That know it all crybaby is so consumed with defending MWH, Tight Shorts and his staff that he has totally lost focus on who really matters, the people who pay his salary.

And speaking of salary, based upon his lack of performance during the time he has been in office, coupled with his antics of late, he is overpaid. As a matter of fact, I think he owes the taxpayers a refund. Does he not understand the image he is portraying to the rest of Southwest Florida? Oh yeah. I forgot…again. He doesn’t care about anybody else.

Tim Day, once again, brought everything into perspective with his comments about Phony’s latest antics when he said, “I toss mine in the garbage can on the way out. If he wants my notes he can go to the garbage can.” Holy Waste Management, Batman! I can see it now, Phony snooping around in the dumpster behind City Hall trying to find out if Day drew pictures of him during a City Council meeting with horns and a tail. I’m sure if he did, the tail would be like that of the proverbial dog, between his legs. Get a life Phony. Preferably as far away from Cape Coral as you can get.

PAGE FOUR

I don’t know if any of you have been viewing the Snooze Press Idiot’s Forum (SPIF) lately, but some of the people who post are hilarious. Give some people a computer, a pseudonym and some free time and watch them run amok. Present company excluded, of course.

My favorite SPIF is Ralphie “The Rant” LePera. He is so busy defending the city over this utility fiasco, he doesn’t have time to do anything else. I wonder if it has anything to do with his spouse Lippy voting for MWH/KBR every chance she got? Nah. That would be too obvious.

If you need a good laugh, or just a good bowel movement, read some of the posts on the SPIF, especially LePera’s.


And now, emails from readers.

Dear Paco,

What do you think about scientists removing Pluto as a planet?

W.D.

Dear W.D.,

I’m sure Mickey won’t be too happy about the way his dog is being treated.


Dear Paco,

Do you think former Assistant City Auditor Alan Bray was a scapegoat for the utility expansion fiasco?

D.N.

Dear D.N.

B ah ah ah. B ah ah ah.

Whether you’re a goat or a sheep, you heard it through the Capevine.

From the “What in the hell where they thinking” files comes the following:

During the August 15th County Commission meeting, a discussion was held concerning whether or not the County should award a contract to MWH to expand its Gateway wastewater treatment plant. You remember MWH don’t you? That’s the company Cape Coral is using to flush hard earned citizens’ dollars down the toilet. Anyway, John Albion asked the county attorney whether or not anyone looked into the situation in Cape Coral regarding MWH.

The county attorney replied that neither his staff, nor anyone on the county administrator’s staff, to the best of his knowledge, had looked into the Cape Coral situation. He also said, “There wasn’t a problem with the company”. Is that a fact, oh great legal mind? Then, pray tell, perhaps you can tell us why the FBI is looking into the situation? Or, better yet, why not address the fact that a former city councilman stated at a council meeting that the company was overcharging the residents? Do you know something the rest of us don’t know? If so, please fill us in. Inquiring minds want to know.

When Albion asked the question, I immediately thought, “good for you John Boy”. Stand up for what’s right. And what happened next stunned even me. THEY VOTED UNANIMOUSLY TO HIRE MWH!!! Hold on! Hold on! I’m having chest pains! This may be the big one Elizabeth! I’m coming to meet you honey!

Whew, the pain is gone. I’m feeling much better now. Anyway, you certainly can’t expect much from municipal attorneys or highly paid government bureaucrats, but I would think that elected officials, the ones selected by the taxpayers to protect their interests, would know better. Then again, all one has to do is look at how the majority on the Cape Coral City Council have acted lately to know that elected officials may be the dumbest of all.

Every morning these morons get in front of their magic mirrors and say: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the dumbest of them all?” And the mirror responds, “Elected officials.” And the morons say, “Whew, I sure am glad that I’m a politician and not an elected official”.

Paco to Enterprise. Scottie, are you there? Energize! ENERGIZE!!!


PAGE TWO

Speaking of MWH, did anyone catch the propaganda spewed out by its president, Joe Adams, last week in a Snooze Press guest opinion? Some of his comments follow.

“In February of 2004, MWH was selected through a competitive process to be the program manager for future UEP projects under a new seven-year contract. During this time, no examination of our work has presented factual evidence of intentional overbilling or any other wrongdoing by MWH.” Really? You might want to check the tapes of some past council meetings.

“That’s because no such evidence exists.” That’s right. And the records he produced support that statement. Oh wait, he hasn’t provided the records yet. Sorry.

“MWH has earned a reputation for integrity in our work both locally and throughout the world, and we have been disappointed to see that reputation attacked in Cape Coral without any factual basis.” A reputation for integrity? Of course, and that’s why MWH partnered with a company that was fined for over billing the federal government.

”MWH is not making an unfair profit at citizens' expense.” Define unfair.

“We're committed to delivering all projects at the lowest cost possible and continue to work collaboratively with City staff to look for further cost savings opportunities.” Another really. Then please explain the following comments in the August 15, 2006 edition of The Snooze Press: “MWH Constructors, Inc. the project manager, said it NEVER proposed the change-putting water and irrigation on one side of the street-to the city and the city never asked to explore the cost savings.” Now that’s what I call committed to delivering all projects at the lowest cost possible. But I do like the word committed.

There you have it folks. Straight from the horse’s patootie. Stay tuned. He may have to eat those words. Yum, yum.

PAGE THREE

I’m sure Ralphie “The Rant” LePera had a near orgasmic experience when he saw the article in the August 13, 2006 Cape section of The Snooze Press about the difficulties at the Academic Village. For those who don’t read the Snooze Press, the Army Corps of Engineers rejected the city’s revised application to build a charter high school and branch campuses of colleges or universities at the Academic Village. Yessirree, Ralphie’s day was made, or should I say his year was made. Ralphie was so happy, he immediately put the story on the Snooze Press Idiot’s Forum (SPIF). He loves to refer to the Academic Village project as “Asfour’s folly”.

Well, Ralphie is nothing, if not fair. And I’m sure he will give Asfour credit when the Academic Village becomes a reality. Of course, that won’t happen until his spouse, Lippy, and others of her ilk, take their final bows as council members and the new council decides to tell Terry “Tight Shorts” Stewart to take a hike.

Nevertheless, let’s get to some of the reasons why the Army Corps rejected the application. To sum it up, THE APPLICATION WAS INCOMPLETE!!!

Topographic information had not been finalized and signed by a professional surveyor.
Incomplete water use permit applications.
Lack of a boundary survey.
Lack of enough wetlands impact information.

What is it with this administration anyway? First they lose a grant for the Charter Schools because of an incomplete application and then the Academic Village application is rejected for the same reason.

Come on guys. Get with the program. If the Feds want information, give it to them! If there’s a blank line on the form, put something in it. The feds don’t care, just as long as all the blanks are filled in. You don’t actually believe they read that crap do you? They just want complete forms, regardless of the content.


And now, emails from readers.

Dear Paco,

Why does Terry Stewart have three parking spaces at City Hall?

TJD

Dear TJD,

One for his car and two for his ego.

Dear Paco,

How do you explain the Mayor thinking that the citizens like him?

MR

Dear MR,

Delusions of grandeur.

Whether your delusional or just plain grand, you heard it through the Capevine.

What a week…what a week. Before I get into all that happened this week, I want you to harken back to the days of the person we elected President before George W. Bush. Actually, it was the President we elected before we elected Al Gore, William Jefferson Clinton.

The stock market was up, unemployment was down and we were prospering. President Clinton received a great deal of credit for all of that and his poll numbers were pretty darn good as a result. Many people contended that Clinton’s popularity was a direct result of how the economy was doing. Hence the phrase, “It’s the economy stupid”, was born. Remember that phrase for later.

“The week that was” started on Monday during the committee of the whole meeting. Councilmen Boyd and Jeffers were missing. The City administration paraded various “experts” in front of the City Council claiming that it was a good thing for the City to have central water and sewer, but none of them said fully functioning septic systems were bad for the environment. They did not address the most important issue, however. Stay tuned for that.

Next came the regular City Council meeting, during which the City Council discussed whether or not to re-start construction on the SW4 utilities expansion project. Councilmen Boyd and Jeffers were still missing. Quite frankly, I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to show up and have to answer hard questions either. Nevertheless, Councilman Day suggested a delay on the vote to re-start construction for one week. However, the scare tactic was already firmly implanted in the brains of the feeble minded Council members who decided to vote against that proposal. Therefore, that vote failed 3 to 3.

Nonetheless, there was still hope of forestalling the re-start because, Allah be praised, Lippy LePera voted with Day and Rosado for the week’s delay. Therefore, one could safely conclude if Lippy wanted to wait a week to vote on a re-start, she would vote against the re-start when it came up for a vote later on. NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND!!! First of all, when it came time to vote on the re-start, Lippy thought that vote was already taken. Oh confusion, my name is LePera! Lippy then cast her vote to re-start the project, thereby joining Phony Feichthaler, Befooled Bertolini and Tricky Dick Stevens in effectively (insert graphic and vulgar word for sexual intercourse here) the citizens.

I heard Phony Feichthaler say on at least a couple of occasions that Terry “Tight Lips” Stewart was the “glue that held the Charter School Board together”. Glue gives off fumes that give people a certain buzz, and could result in their doing strange things. Lippy sits next to Tight Lips. Is it possible that she inadvertently inhaled the fumes from the glue and that is what caused her to become confused, reverse her stance and vote against the people? I believe there are masks available that would protect her from the fumes, if that is indeed her problem. Perhaps she should ask the Council to approve the cost. After all, if Bertolini can get a new chair, why can’t LePera get a gas mask?

Ah, but I digress. Next up came the promised town hall meeting on Wednesday that “would give the citizens the opportunity to be heard”. Now let me get this straight. The citizens were given a screw job on Monday with the vote to re-start the project. They were then given the “opportunity” to be heard on Wednesday? Beam me up Scotty. There isn’t any intelligent life left on Earth.

Actually, the town hall meeting on Wednesday was more like “The Terry Stewart Show”. Wait, I have a better name for it. Have you ever seen the commercials for the DVD’s “Girls Gone Wild”? With that in mind, a better name for the show last Wednesday night would be “Egomaniac Gone Wild” because, no matter who was asked the question, Stewart chimed in and gave his 1 ½ cents worth. He was so uptight that I may have to change his nickname from “Tight Lips” to “Tight Shorts” because something was definitely too tight.

On top of all that, Stewart sent out a letter attempting to defend himself. No big deal. When somebody screws up, it’s understandable that he would attempt to justify his actions, e.g., George W. Bush. Nevertheless, that justification cost the taxpayers TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS! That’s a dollar sign followed by the numbers two and zero, followed by a comma and then followed by three more zeroes, i.e., $20,000.

To end the week, Stewart rounded up some more cheerleaders Friday to speak before the Council For Progress, aka, “Let’s Meet Once a Month for Breakfast, Talk About a Lot of Stuff, and Never Accomplish Anything Club”. According to “The Light Wind” newspaper, Stewart said at that meeting that if the utility expansion program stopped, economic development would go away. Another person reportedly said that new businesses would not move into Cape Coral without proper water and sewer systems. That hasn’t stopped them yet. If money is to be made, businesses will move in...period.

More importantly than that however is the fact that Stewart is out speaking about POLICY DECISIONS that should be made by the City Council. You remember the City Council, don’t you? Those are the people who were elected to make policy decisions. Oops. I forgot. Stewart makes all the decisions and his puppets on the City Council just dance on his strings.

To sum up the week, the City Council ignored the taxpayers and re-started the sewer expansion project; Stewart and his boys supported his administration and MWH, trashed the Kessler report, defended the utilities expansion project and then used fear tactics to make his point. Is that about it?

Now go back to the first paragraph I wrote. Change the phrase from “It’s the economy stupid” to “IT’S THE COST STUPID”!!! Why didn’t all those who defended the project, trashed Kessler, etc., talk about how much it was costing the citizens and how much MWH/KBR is making from these projects? Most people would not be opposed to central water and sewer if it weren’t for the cost. Check the numbers!!! If you can’t do it alone, get some third graders to help you. Even they would be able to figure out what some Council members don’t get. THE PEOPLE ARE BEING OVERCHARGED!!!

Holy cha-ching Batman! What’s it going to take before those idiots on City Council realize that…revelations that KBR has been fined for overcharging the government on some projects? Oh wait. That’s already happened. OHMYGOD!!! Some City Council members can’t read!!! Now what do we do?

What can possibly happen this week to top last week? Will the missing Council members return? Will the citizens recall the City Council members and take over the City? Will the mysterious thumping sound return to the SW part of the City?

Stay tuned for the answers to those and other questions in the next episode of “As The Toilet Flushes”.

PAGE TWO

Read page one again. It’s good.


And now, emails from readers.

Dear Paco,

I heard Councilman Dick Stevens say he was an ordained minister. What do you think about that?

A.R.

Dear A.R.,

Actions speak louder than words.


Dear Paco,

Who would replace those Council members the citizens voted to recall?

D.B., A.B., E.F., J.J., A.L., R.S.

Dear D.B., A.B., E.F., J.J., A.L., R.S.,

Who cares?

Recalled or not, you heard it through the Capevine.